Saturday, August 7, 2010

Putting Down Roots

Here it is: the moment where I confess that I've been slightly miserable since moving here. The worst part: I'm the culprit for my misery.

The other week, Zack and I had dinner with Jeff and Rachel, friends from E91 (our church in Indianapolis). Naturally, they were asking about the move, and Fuller, and how everything was going for us. Incredibly, I found it difficult to dredge up positive things to tell them. All I could harp on was how people at Fuller were too cynical, the traffic was too congested, the vibe was too ambivalent. I have always prided myself on being optimistic, even to the point of idealism, so to hear this outpouring of negativity come out of my mouth was unsettling.

As many of you know, since we've gotten here, it has been difficult for Zack to find a job. Despite the fact that I had been praying about this every night, I kept feeling like I was hitting a brick wall. I knew God was "on the other end" but I was suffocating in the silence.

In response, I began pulling further away from the small life we had begun to make here. When people would ask how things were going, it was not uncommon for me to talk as if we were going to stick this out for one year and then move on- and always qualifying my downer ways with the guise of following God's will.

The funny thing is, sometimes God is talking and we just refuse to listen. This move has been so difficult, beyond what I had imagined. It's probably impossible to count the number of times I've seriously considered fueling up the Civic and making that three-day drive home. Not to mention all the times I've been utterly confused as to why I brought us here in the first place!

I may not know all the answers. I'm still terribly homesick at times and miss everyone at home an incredible amount. I miss the humidity, the rural-ness, the general Midwestern mindset. But I've come to realize that unless we suck it up and put down roots here, I'll always hate it. The change has to start with me- as difficult as that can be!

Zack got a job. It's at a warehouse, but it's something and we're extremely thankful for it! I've started seriously investing in the youth group at our church, slowly getting to know the students. We've even been making an effort to make friends- probably the thing that was hardest for me. I didn't want to engage in this community, because it is rather transient, but it's become clear to me that unless I am vulnerable and put myself out there, no relationships are going to be formed. And that's no way to live, especially for a social person like me!

Things aren't perfect here. I'm eagerly awaiting December, when we can come home for a little while. But this is home for now. It is home now. It's time to let my soul settle here, and learn to love this place.

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